From Secondary Infertility to Adoption
By Kim Saxon
The day that our oldest
child, Johnathan, was born was the most glorious day of my life. The sight
of my beautiful son screaming to the top of his lungs, and the tears rolling
down my husbands face is a sight I will never forget. I tried to make
sure that I took as many mental pictures of those first few moments as
I could as I lay there on the operating table after having just undergone
a c-section. This was a day that all the so-called experts said would
never happen, and I was going to soak it all in.
The minute that I held Johnathan for the first time, I knew that God
had planned my life for me. I was meant to be this childs mother.
Holding Johnathan, as I laid there so sore from the surgery, I cannot
tell you how happy I was. It felt so good to know that I had successfully
given birth to a healthy baby in spite of everything I had been told all
my life about my infertility.
Almost immediately I told my husband that we had to do this again. Even
though I had been advised against it, we started trying to get pregnant
only six months after Johnathan was born. All the doctors told me that
I should give my body at least two years to heal from the c-section, but
who were they? They werent God, and I was going to place my family
in Gods hands and just see what happened. After all, the doctors
didnt think that I could get pregnant anyway so why should it matter
if we did officially start trying. We wanted to add to our family, and
if God wanted it to be, then he would make it happen.
Being a mother was what I was meant to do. I knew that from the instant
that I held Johnathan for the first time. I treasure the opportunity of
being able to spend his first year at home with him. To see him grow into
a little person was nothing less than a miracle. I could not wait to add
another child to our family. I wanted to see Johnathan be a big brother.
I wanted to complete our family, but by the time Johnathan
was two I started to doubt whether I would ever be able to have another
baby. It was then that we decided to see a specialist.
By the time Johnathan was eight years old, I was convinced that I would
never have another child. We went through treatment after treatment, and
nothing seemed to work. All of the medical bills mounting up started to
have a negative impact on our marriage. It seemed that everyone around
me was getting pregnant, and that our chance of adding another child to
our family was just passing me by. I did the best that I could to put
a happy face on. Every time someone would invite me to a baby shower,
I would just cringe. I felt so resentful inside, and yet I kept telling
myself that until I was willing to let that go that this wouldnt
work itself out for me.
When my siblings started adding to their families, I tried to be happy
for them, but inside I was dying. I was so envious, and yet I knew that
was wrong of me. I just knew that I was meant to have another child. All
the pills, all the temperature checking, and no matter how hard we tried
nothing seemed to work. And yet, something inside of me kept saying
dont give up, you are on the right track. It was around this time
that my friend Kellie (who knew what we had been going through) asked
if we had ever given any thought to adoption. It seemed she had seen an
article in a magazine about a woman in New York who had adopted a little
Chinese girl. A light inside of me went off.
I rushed out to the grocery store in search of this magazine. I had to
see what she was talking about. I will never forget reading that article.
It was like it was an answer to my prayers. I quickly started calling
agencies. I was sure since Keith himself was adopted that he would be
thrilled with the idea. A few weeks passed, and the first packet of information
came into the mail. My mouth nearly dropped when I read all the information.
The average cost of adoption was $12,000. Where in the world would we
ever come up with that kind of money? I have never felt so distraught
in my life. I cried and cried. Keith promised me that we would find a
way; it would just take some time. But I knew with our finances in the
shape that they were there was no way. Finally I just told myself I would
only have Johnathan, and he would be enough for me. Inside I knew that
I couldnt forget those little Chinese girls
. Inside me I knew
that my baby was across the ocean. I just had to figure out how to get
We did everything that we could to save a little money, but it seemed
that something always came up to make us have to spend it. I decided that
in order for us to put aside more money that our earning potential had
to go up. Keith had been with his company for many years, and he was somewhat
locked in to what he was making so I decided to focus my time and energy
on school. School was a good diversion for me. I graduated first in my
class in 2000, with Johnathan and Keith there cheering me on. I had a
job lined up for me before I even finished school. I was 33 years old,
and I was finally on my way.
Since the $12K had seemed so far away, Keith and I had all but stopped
talking about adding to our family. But now with the extra money that
was coming in I began to feel more confident that we could afford it.
In an effort to bring up the idea with Keith, I planned a trip to Las
Vegas in August of 2001. What Keith didnt know when he boarded the
plane with me was that I had secretly packed brochures and pamphlets from
every adoption agency I could find on the Internet. We were fixing to
make a decision at least in my mind that would alter our lives one way
After a nice dinner one night, we went back to our hotel room, and I
brought up the idea of having more children. He said that he had never
stopped wanting to add to our family, but because I had seem to have found
some inner peace, he thought it was better left alone. He also felt that
something had been missing from our lives. When I brought up the idea
of adoption he was thrilled about it. He said that it would be wonderful
to have another child.
And so the thought of our baby was conceived, right there in the hotel
room in Las Vegas, Nevada.
a year later, we are so truly blessed. Anna is everything to us that we
thought she would be. I cant imagine one minute of my life without
her in it. People ask me sometimes was it worth all that I went through
to get to her, my answer to them is YES! I would do every minute of this
over again for her. She is the daughter I was meant to have, and I am
so thankful everyday that I listened to my inner voice and just kept my
faith. Without that, I wouldnt have found her.
© Copyright 2003
You can read the rest of the story of Anna's
adoption from Vietnam on the Adopt
Vietnam website: http://www.adoptvietnam.org/adoption/story-kim-saxon1.html