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Things NOT to Say to an Adoptive Family After an Adoption Falls Through

By Karen Ledbetter

"Don't worry. There will be another child to adopt." (We don't want another child, we want THIS child)
"If God had wanted this to happen….."
"When God is ready….." (We already know God is in charge; you don't need to remind us)
"You are probably better off." (Honestly now, would you say that to grieving parents whose infant just died?)
"He really wasn't your child anyway." (Oh yes, he was, even if for a short period of time, and even if we never saw him)
"This wasn't the right child, and God has YOUR child in mind somewhere else."
"It wasn't meant to be."
"Maybe it's for the best…."
(On Mother's Day or Father's Day) "You don't have a child."
"It's best the child stays with her real parents. That's natural, you know."
"Maybe you're just not supposed to be parents; you're infertile, right…?"
"Why would you want someone else's kid anyhow? Just relax, you'll get
"It's not like losing your own baby. " (S/he WAS our baby!)
"Can you sue the mother and the adoption agency? You might not get a kid
but at least you'll get some money." (Unless we were taken advantage of by a scammer, we don't want money, we want our baby!)

© Karen Ledbetter 2001 - Many thanks to my Cybermom friends who contributed their thoughts to this list.

Real Moms is a newsletter by and for adoptive mothers. Support, information, encouragement, and networking for domestic adoption are offered to adoptive and prospective adoptive mothers.

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